Fr. Val Peter: Love, Warmth and Discipline

This is a great podcast from Catholic Answers Live, on a more common sense approach to parenting that goes the extra mile to equip our kids with the skills and know-how they really need, and that includes loving them enough to teach them discipline.

Saving the Child by Saving the Parents

I recently saw a poster advocating the vaccination of parents as a reasonable means of protecting children. Fair enough: if the parents are immune to that particular virus, then they probably won't pass the virus onto their kids. There can be other pathways to infection, but at least that from the parents is eliminated.

Are viruses the only things that parents need to worry about? What about bad habits? Crass language? Being lazy? Gossiping? Questionable fashion tastes?? Oh but there is so much more that can seem harmless enough at first glance. What are mom and dad's favorite TV shows? What do they really think about this or that issue? What is their attitude towards this or that ethnic group? Do we drive safely and legally?

And what about faith and morals?

It was only in becoming a father that I was truly challenged to be a disciple of Christ. If I want that of them, then I must be a good one myself. If I am truly convinced that Christ is the Way, Truth and Life, then I should want that of them.

God is Inviting Us to be Parents Again

And what can we say about our fourth one due in May? Fiat voluntas tua. My sons asked me if I preferred another boy or a girl this time, and I fall back to the fiat again. A daughter sounds great, but who am I to haggle?

Atheists might see this as a clear example of blind faith. I just call it being pragmatic: it isn't as if I can do anything about it anyway. :-)

Things parents don't tell kids anymore

.. will probably make up an interesting list. Catherine Deveny writes about one: vanity is unbecoming. She doesn't use those words, of course; her opinion piece is much better written.

What about the importance of modesty? Chastity? Humility? Ambition? Obedience? Right vs. wrong? Why drinking yourself silly every week at 16 years of age is dangerous? Watch your language? Respect the elderly? Moderation? Love thy neighbor? Thou shall not commit adultery (or fornication)?

It's a long list, and these topics have fallen into disuse more in some countries than in others. But that things have gone this way should be a concern, but I suspect it is being largely ignored by parents who are in a perpetual state of adolescent/teenage rebellion (despite being in their 30s or 40s perhaps. Poor kids (the children, not the parents).

Movie Review: Juno

It's a good movie, surprisingly positive and refreshingly honest. Juno is 16 and gets pregnant without being promiscuous. Yes, it happens. She initially sought abortion, which is probably a typical first consideration in first world countries today, but she gets a good dose of doubts about the rightness of this option. She decides to have the baby and put him up for adoption. Much of the movie is also about the couple that she chooses to adopt the baby. But it isn't that simple either, the couple not being perfect after all. I also liked the way her father and stepmother react to her news. They are supportive, which I think is always good. It bothered me that the stepmother seemed ambivalent concerning abortion, but I'm glad that neither she nor Juno's father pushed for abortion. The movie is realistic in one sense: teenagers in high school can't handle the responsibility just yet. The implications of this will hopefully penetrate most viewers. I found one scene to be rather profound: the first time when Juno wept, and perhaps was at her lowest point about her dilemma, was when she found out about problems between the couple who were adopting the baby later. This reveals the heart of the issue: what happens to the baby? The tears were not about Juno's predicament; they were about the baby's future.

DecentFilms has got a must-read review, but my two cents is that it is a good movie with good insights. I accept the reality that many young girls find themselves in this situation, much of which is avoidable if they had the time and training to think about the consequences of jumping into situations that they are not prepared for. But when a Juno finds herself in such a pickle, there can only be one response from the people around her: support. Should abortion be considered? Of course. And with calm and deliberate reasoning be summarily discarded as the wrong and worst possible option.

Statistics of disadvantaged conditions

The Age recently published about the declining conditions of indigenous Australians:

• "indigenous children were six times more likely to be abused or neglected than their non-Aboriginal counterparts"
• "indigenous homicide rate was seven times higher than in the rest of the community"
• "hospitalisations from domestic violence 34 times higher"
• "Aborigines 13 times more likely to be imprisoned"

The Prime Minister describes the report that lays out these statistics as "devestating", and said the situation was "unacceptable and it requires decisive action." And he's right. In a prosperous nation, how can such conditions still remain unresolved at such levels?

But I wonder people would say about these other statistics from another part of the world?

• 63% of youth suicides are from fatherless homes.
• 90% of all homeless and runaway children are from fatherless homes.
• 85% of all children that exhibit behavioral disorders come from fatherless homes.
• 80% of rapists motivated with displaced anger come from fatherless homes.
• 71% of all high school dropouts come from fatherless homes.
• 70% of juveniles in state operated institutions come from fatherless homes.
• 85% of all youths sitting in prisons grew up in a fatherless home.

This is not a game of "beat that!" I just wanted to point out that all such statistics of declining and deplorable conditions are devastating and unacceptable. And not to be ignored for the sake of being politically correct. I'm just saying: these statistics cry out for help. How is that happening these days?

The Urgency of Sanctification

One of the things I've come to realize as my parenting years went by is just how daunting my accountability really is, as a parent. While I can look to the Holy Spirit to be the ultimate illumination and sanctification of my children, I do have a great deal to do with how their characters shape up. Just as they inherit genetic aspects of mine, so they also inherit behavioral traits. I'm not proud of my less than stellar control over my temper (and my mouth, when the former slips). I see the fruits of my trespasses in my children, who can be emotional and/or grouchy as a result. In a truly horrifying way, "my sin is always before me". Which brings me to my point: I need sanctification. Thank God for his free gift of the Holy Spirit who is the Sanctifier, but I'm not making the job easy. And my other point is that this need to be made holy, set apart for God and consecrated for good works, is an urgent need. I have a long way to go in ridding myself of my attachment to Sin, and that's a big problem, for nothing unclean may enter the Kingdom. But it isn't just that I might die tomorrow and I'm not ready. I think it is a bigger problem that I might still be alive tomorrow and I would have left my children with unresolved bad examples to follow. I'm not exaggerating my role in their upbringing, for I know that the Holy Spirit is the ultimate source of their growth in the faith, hope and love. But I do know how my actions have badly affected their behavior in some ways.

I don't want to define the boundaries of my sons' ideals based on my failures. That is simply not fair to them. Like me, the inheritance marked out for them is of the best: Heavenly glory. My bad example pulls them down and away from that! I've often thought of it in terms of health and hygiene. If I needlessly risk my health, I might fall ill and either fail to care for them due to some debilitation or.. bring home a virus that will in turn infect them.

Which is why sanctification is urgent for parents. We must cooperate with grace and do our darnedest best to become holier men and women. It's a matter of life and death, joy and misery, and it isn't just mine that's on the line.

Adopting into single parent households is not a trivial matter

Not as trivial as what was reported by a single parent in The Age anyway ("Single parents eligible to adopt Filipino children", 5 Nov 08, The Age Online):

the evidence showed that children adopted by single people fared just as well as children in two-parent households.

Whereas there is considerable evidence otherwise:

Gunilla Ringbäck Weitoft from Sweden's National Board for Health and Welfare in Stockholm conducted the largest study ever performed on how children are affected by single-parenting. This study, released January 25, 2003 in The Lancet was conducted over the course of a decade (during the 1990s), involving 65,085 children living with a single parent, and 921,257 living with two parents. ...   children with single parents showed increased risks of psychiatric disease, suicide or suicide attempt, injury, and addiction. After adjustment for confounding factors such as socioeconomic status and parents' addiction or mental disease, children in single-parent households were twice as likely to have psychiatric disease compared with those in two-parent households; relative risks of suicide attempt and for alcohol-related disease were also doubled. The risk of childhood narcotic abuse was increased threefold among girls and fourfold among boys living in single-parent households.

I'm not saying that they should not be adopting. Having a loving single parent is much better than being a complete orphan. But having a loving father and a loving mother is still the ideal.

Prayer from the lips of children

I must say, I felt immensely joyful hearing my son Patrick reading from Psalm 85 (86) at bedtime tonight. And likewise when I saw that his older brother Justin had been filling up his reading journal (for school) with chapters from his children's Bible. Little saints in the making. If only their dad would stop getting in the way!

Thank you, Lord, for the three arrows in my quiver. They fill me with joy (when I stop taking myself too seriously), bring me to laughter, and fill me with hope. Through them, I catch a glimpse of the enormity of Fatherhood, a peek into the gift of Sonship, and a foretaste of holy Love. They hold up a mirror to me, confronting me with what it means to love and to be loved.

Order and Discipline

It wasn't surprising that a 12-year-old would sue her own father for grounding her from a school trip for posting objectionable pictures of herself and chatting on websites against her father's objections. Just the logical conclusion of how things have been sliding down the politically correct slope where the superficial is replacing the substance of life, straining gnats while swallowing camels. Thankfully, the notions of order and discipline are intrinsic in human beings. Thus, there is hope, as when Kiwis have had enough of anti-spanking laws that take parenting away from parents.

Speaking plainly

One of the many gifts that comes with parenthood is the opportunity to learn so much. Trying to explain something to a seven year old often encourages deep thinking -- because you usually need to be precise and perfectly honest. The latter can be tricky. It is perhaps still part of this generation of parents to focus on our children's self-esteem almost to the exclusion of every other consideration. It is not a well thought out strategy. My son can be very fixated on a perceived injustice, even as he understands, when you ask him to reconsider, that the status quo is fair, and what he is asking for is completely unfair. How am I to respect his strong feelings in the matter?

I found myself unable to do anything more than to speak plainly. 'No, son. That is completely wrong.'

Even as I must make allowances for what he feels, I realized five minutes into our second conversation on the matter that there was no further explanation possible. I also realized that kids can stubbornly put their foot down for the wrong things, and all I can do is tell him that we can't let things lie like that. My Father in Heaven tells me such things everyday, too. And I can only lift my hands up in prayer and beg for the grace to simply do as I ought to. Even if my heart is still set on something I know is wrong.

Responsible parenting

Over at Testosterhome, a blog by a mother of five young sons, a commenter piped up about responsible parenting. The anonymous fella cited a saint and an example of abusive, drug-dependent parents, and said that biology happens.

It is true, we must take that responsibility seriously. But the number of children God invites each couple to have is unique to each couple. Many are blessed to have God's calling to have five or more (there are six of us in my family). There are also many who are only blessed with one child or two, however hard they tried to have more.

All I'm saying is responsible parenting sounds nice, but let God be at the center and let the number be strictly between him and the couple. No, I'm not saying that "biology" should take its course. In prayer, let God make his call. Because he is, after all, the author of life.

Marriage or Me?

This is a must-read from Charles Colson about me, myself and Marriage -- and why the "me" mentality contradicts Marriage.

Fair is fair ... Really?

One of the greatest things about having kids is the amazing opportunity for learning from them. My eldest Justin is still grappling with the notion of fairness. I recently had to explain to him what crab mentality meant. It's an idiom which I've heard used back in the Philippines as a challenge not to engage in such thinking. For Justin, it is a pained and impassioned assertion that "if I can't have it, then so can't he!" And little brother Patrick is starting to use that line as well. It can be frustrating to have to explain the way this doesn't work to my kids, and I still struggle to be calm each time (I have a temper). It's usually more amusing than frustrating when I see adults use the same kind of thinking for a lot of things:

• I'm doing it, so they probably are, too!
• If I can't do it, then they can't possibly do it!
• I can't be sure, and neither can you!

Amusing -- until they happen to use it as a club to beat you senseless from their online or TV soapbox or, worse yet, from parliament. May we be delivered from such crustacean logic -- and I apologize to my dearly departed pet lobster of many years ago for that unintended insult.

The marvels of parenthood

It's been a rather busy two weeks in the Tan household. The children got sick (one after the other). They got better and promptly took in another virus. Patrick can be particularly high-maintenance when he's ill, and my wife lost hours of sleep as a result. It can only be divine intervention that, through it all, a notable thought actually came to mind: how marvellous it is to be a parent! Why? It is truly gracious of God to share with us this gift of being parents to our children. While my wife and I may whine about the way our children whine when they are sick (hmm.. we do whine just as badly as they), our appreciation of the experience is nothing in comparison to how our Father in Heaven feels when we, his "adult" children, require such high maintenance and patience when we in turn get sick. Or crash in some form, e.g., become depressed, throw tantrums over stressful days. I think I have it bad? How does Abba in Heaven feel with millions of squabbling, whining children all over the world, puportedly grownups but childish in many ways. If I had patience the size of a mustard seed, O Lord! If I had the generosity the size of a grain of sand. How patient and generous Abba is in Heaven!